How to Reduce Anxiety and Stress by Setting Healthy Boundaries from Your San Luis Obispo Therapist

Anxiety strikes again- the stomach-churning, the heart racing, the chest tightening, the feelings of dread and worry for what is to come next. If you have ever struggled with anxiety or stress, you’re well aware of these overwhelming feelings and body sensations.

There are many different causes of anxiety, including a genetic predisposition, a traumatic experience, or an insecure attachment relationship with our first caregiver. Sometimes anxiety is directly related to our experience in toxic relationships. Regardless of where the anxiety stems from, during times of stress, symptoms of anxiety often skyrocket. This is when healthy personal boundaries and excellent self-care is essential. But what do you do if you struggle with setting healthy boundaries?

Healthy Boundaries and the Gate Analogy 

Years ago my own therapist explained healthy personal boundaries to me using an analogy. It goes like this: Your boundaries are like a gate. You can change the gate with each situation and with each person that you encounter.

With your most trusted confidants, your gate may be very minimal, with a small latch and a gate that swings with ease. This type of boundary is reserved for people who love you and accept you, flaws and all. These relationships build you up and help you feel loved, valued and understood.

The second type of gate/boundary is sturdier.  It might be like a picket fence with a solid latch. It can be opened and closed easily, but with intention. This type of boundary you can use with many people in your life, including friends, acquaintances, neighbors, employers etc. These are likely people that you like and enjoy, but may pick and choose what information you choose to share with them. Rather than just stopping by, in these types of relationships there is often a phone call, a plan or an appointment made prior to interacting. This gate/boundary is friendly and flexible, but it’s also not an open 24/7, unrestricted access, type of boundary. 

Then there’s a third category. This gate/boundary is secure and under lock and key. Sometimes the gate might even have surveillance or barbed wire on the top. This is used for people who are toxic to your own wellbeing. They may consistently disrespect your boundaries, put you down and/or harm you physically, mentally or emotionally. It is still a gate, meaning there may be times that you choose to interact with these people under certain circumstances. However, remember that the choice is up to you. You are in control of whether or not to open the gate or keep it closed. Before you decide to open the gate in these types of relationships, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

Will engaging in this interaction harm my physical, mental or emotional wellbeing?

Am I currently in the right state of mind to engage in this interaction? 

If I do choose to engage, how will I take care of myself afterward? 

Is there a safe person in my life that I can talk to afterward if this interaction doesn’t go well?

For me, the most empowering part of this analogy is the reminder that, as an adult, I am in control of my own boundaries and how they function. I can reconstruct and transform my gates/boundaries as I see fit. This can be a powerful realization, especially for those of us who have struggled with anxiety and/or navigating difficult relationships. 

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Dealing with anxiety, stress, and past trauma can be overwhelming and exhausting. However, the more tools and strategies you have to work with your anxiety, rather than against it, the better. Although anxiety may not be something that you can completely eliminate, I do believe that it can be effectively managed so that you may live a happy, fulfilling, and meaningful life.

My name is Andrea Bey, LMFT and I’m an Arroyo Grande and San Luis Obispo therapist for women in CA who struggle with past trauma and current anxiety. I specialize in EMDR therapy. If you’re interested in learning more about how to manage past trauma or current stress and anxiety through therapy, click here to contact me for your FREE 15-minute phone consultation.

Take good care of yourself. Remember, you are worthy of the same care, attention, and kindness that you give to others.